More Best of Eric Hahn's Five Things

Pick five everyday objects that would be terrible puppets in a children's show.

1. "Hey kids, it's time for empty beer can theater! Follow the adventures of "Bud" in the magical land of leftover pizza.",
2. Ricky Martin, Michael Jackson, George Michael, Clay Aiken, Elton John, (you meant hand puppets, right?).
3. Pistol with a hair trigger.
4. 7 day old sock puppets.
5. Other children.


Pick five flavors of Campbell's Soup with limited market appeal.

1. Mullet-Gatawny.
2. Road Kill and Stars.
3. Cream of Week Old Sushi.
4. Chunky Monkey.
5. Saurkraut and Mustard Stew.

 Their short lived Homestyle from the Hills line:

1. Possum Noodle.
2. Cream of Squirrel.
3. Gizzard Chowder.
4. Racoon Stew.
5. Cock's Comb Hash.

Pick five ways to piss off the pizza delivery guy.

1. Steal his car and leave it in Poughkeepsi.
2. Pay him in pennies.
3. Only pay him if he guesses the password.
4. Order from 3 different places and ask if you can taste all three before you decide who to pay.
5. Videotape the transaction.


1. Tell them to follow you to an undisclosed location, or it's no deal.
2 Ask him if they take PayPal.
3. If it's Pizza Hut tell him, no, you ordered Dominos.
4 Shout 'Ding Dong!' every time he knocks.
5. Insist the other guy always gives it to you for free.

Pick Five Things You Should Never Wear on a Subway.

1. Stilts.
2. Skis.
3. Your heart on your sleeve.
4. An "I'm with stupid" tshirt and you are travelling alone.
5. NOTHING is off limits on a subway. Have you been to Chicago?

Pick five ways to get kicked out of a casino.

1. Keep yelling HIT ME every 5 seconds even though you aren't playing Blackjack.
2. Keep talking into your watch with your finger on your ear.
3. Bring a pocket full of checkers and take them to the check out window.
4. Walk behind the players at the high roller poker table look at their cards and keep saying, "Ohhhhhh sucks for you."
5. Tape a string to the tokens you put into the slots.

1. Scream like you won a jackpot on any hand.
2. Sit down at the blackjack table with a bib, knife and fork and start putting butter on the chips.
3. Dress up like a dealer and start you own game in the lobby.
4. Ride through the casino on one of those tiny circus bicycles dressed as a clown and pull dow the pants of all the dealers.
5. Keep picking up the roulette ball each time the wheel spins and put it in your mouth and say "Mmmm, peppermint".

1. Stand at the blackjack table and each time the cards are dealt knock the person out of his chair with the best hand and take their seat.
2. "You're bet, sir?" "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
3. Monopoly money.
4. "Where _I_ come from, ALL REDS beats a full house!"
5. Tell the casino you're Donnie Osmand's cousin and insist that he said you get unlimited free chips.

1. Repeatedly put a dreidel in the roulette wheel and bet chocolate coins.
2. Tell everyone you see you're one of Ocean's Eleven,.
3. Dress like Sammy Davis, Jr. and try to get in free/backstage at every show you go to.
4. Go up to people who've been at slot machines forever and shout 'Boo!'
5. Bet Mentos.