and the Devil himself...

and the Devil himself...
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Monday, August 2, 2010

Eric Hahn's 5 Things Deux

Pick five different names for amusement park rides that would give you pause before riding them.

1. The Great Decapitator.
2. "Five Nine" - a new ride where you must be *EXACTLY*, (bold/double-underline/we-couldn't-be-     more-serious-about-this), 5'9" to participate.
3.  Uncle Ted's Dark Closet.
4. General Lee vs. Knight Rider.
5. Carousel of Conflagration, (aka "the Rotisserie").

1,  Drowning: The Experience.
2.  Deliverance Raft Rapids.
3.  Waiting in Line - The Ride.
4.  Space Mountaintop Removal Stripmining.
5.  St Catherine's Wheel.

Pick five things you'd leave on the moon if you were leaving tomorrow and returning Thursday

1. Another American flag with my picture next to the original.
2. A resume, (they say look everywhere for work).
3. "Walking on the Moon" by The Police on continuous play so in case anyone else shows up while I'm gone, theres' background music.
4. Moon boots, won't need 'em where I'm going.
5. Moonpies.

Pick five inefficient ways to propel a car.

1. Flinstone style.
2. The most ridiculous idea ever: put 30 gallons in the tank and 30 billion gallons in the Gulf
3. Bottle rockets.
4. Lever and fulcrum.
5. Also don't you think if you theoretically had enough hamsters in wheels...?

1. Eight tiny reindeer.
2. Buggy Whips.
3. Team of house cats.
4. The Force.
5. A big ol' horseshoe magnet on the grill.

1. Catapult.
2. Real horsepower.
3. Lasso other cars.
4. Ooh! Ooh! Can they be cartoon bluebirds?
5. Push car to top of hill and release back down said hill.

1. Cold fusion.
2. Another smaller car pushing it.
3. Using the gravitic pull of the moon.
4. Prayer.
5. Blowing on it.

1. Dangling a can of gasoline in front of it as bait.
2. Put my engine in it.
3. Kites.
4. Squirt gun.
5. Harnessing a stampeding herd of lemmings.

1. Shouting threats and glaring menacingly at the car, (unless you're Chuck Norris).
2. Mojo, hocus-pocus and/or abracadabra.
3. A sail.
4. Pushing it with a bus.
5. Saying, 'Go go gadget car!' over and over.

1. Hooking a chain onto an unsuspecting trucker.
2. Tethered mules.
3. Consecutive small explosive rounds.
4. By the power of Greyskull.
5. Telling Don Quixote it's a windmill
Pick five ways to get a squirrel out of a tree.

1. Taunting happy fun ball at the base of the tree.
2. Hold his wife and kids hostage.
3. Barter, (all the nuts you can eat if you come down).
4. Singing Barry Manilow songs.
5. Pepper spray, cause if it's good enough for the Canadian government it's good enough for me!

1. (Cherry): call George Washington.
2. (Redwood): call Paul Bunyan.
3. Throw a cat at it.
4. Throw a dog at it.
5. Throw a rock at it.

1. Throw small arms fire at it.
2. Speak gently in a calm soothing tone while throwing large arms fire at it.
3. Mr. Peanut.
4. Singing the "I'm a Nut" campfire song.
5. If all else fails, unite campfire and tree.

Pick five animals you wouldn't want on an airplane.

1. Sexual Harrassment Panda.
2. King Kong.
3. Wile E. Coyote, (and all the Acme crap he would try and carry on).
4. Alf.
5. Assorted Furries.

Pick five things you don't want in your lunchbox.

1. A black hole.
2. Continuoulsly smaller and smaller lunchboxes inside each other till there is nothing but the tiniest lunch box.
3. Kryptonite.
4. The vortex that consumes individual socks.
5. Nick Cages' career.

1. That videotape I made in college.
2. A knuckle sandwich.
3. A bomb.
4. A Dear John letter.
5. Sandwiches cut diagonally; bitch knows I like them cut in half.

Pick five things that need to be set on fire immediately.
1. The roof.
2. The KKK.
3. Witches.
4. The ghost of Richard Pryor's hair.
5. The world.

Pick five ways to piss off the pizza delivery guy.

1. Steal his car and leave it in Poughkeepsi.
2. Pay him in pennies.
3. Only pay him if he guesses the password.
4. Order from 3 different places and ask if you can taste all three before you decide who to pay.
5. Videotape the transaction.

1. Tell them to follow you to an undisclosed location, or it's no deal.
2 Ask him if they take PayPal.
3. If it's Pizza Hut tell him, no, you ordered Dominos.
4 Shout 'Ding Dong!' every time he knocks.
5. Insist the other guy always gives it to you for free.

Pick five things that tell the world you're a total douchebag.

1. Expose on 60 minutes or a Geraldo Rivera special report.
2. Bollywood musical.
3. Telling hapless visitors at the art museum that the paintings are all scratch n' sniff.
4. Eric, I'll tell the world you're a total douchebag. So you don't need the other 4.
5. Turning head when "Hey, douchebag!" is yelled at a crowd.

Pick five things you want in your possession when the zombie apocalypse occurs.

1. Directions to closest abandoned shopping mall.
2. I just need two things. A chainsaw and an ass-kicking soundtrack on my iPod.
Okay, I guess that's three things. And throw in a Snickers bar for snack breaks.
3. Braaaaaaaaaaains
4. The camouflage mud that Arnold Schwarzenegger used in Predato
5. A large supply of apocolyptic zombie repellant. Really, who could ask for anything more?

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