and the Devil himself...

and the Devil himself...

Monday, August 30, 2010

13 Curiosities from Lonesome Liz's Travel Bags

1. Green Buddha from a friend's trip to an Ashram
2. Brochure from an Appalachian Honey farm.
3. Info from the Confederate Memorial Chapel.
4. Tibetan Singing Bowl and Tsing Tang
5. Wooden Tibetan Flute
5. Vampire Tarot by Robert Place
6. Brochure from visit to newly remodeled VMFA
7. Lone hippie hoop earing.
8. Menu featuring frog soup and other strange delicacies from a restaurant in Chinatown
9. Chinese rooster & dog figures from curious Chinese icon and cigarette store.
10. Katelan Foisy's new book.
11. Travis Louie's new book.
12. Enough Metro cards to make a small collage.
13. Acorns from Prospect Park.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Southern Gothic Perception Goes North... More Lonesome Liz in NYC

The day after our rain-soaked journey to Trump World Tower, Katelan Foisy and I traveled to Brooklyn, where her friends, writers with the Numu Arts Collective, (check out their main site here.) were having a one year anniversary party at the Knitting Factory. There were hats! Cake! Rather profound poets! Along with comedians and musicians; in fact, one of the most unforgettable hi-lights was a truly hilarious stand-up performance by the host of Poets were accompanied by the incredibly talented French-Tunisian saxaphonist Yacine Boulares, a Sorbonne graduate in Philosophy.

The whole thing brought back memories of the group of poets I performed with in Chicago wayyyyyy back in the olden days, when Slam was just starting at the Green Mill. It was nothing like it is now, for better or worse - and, in fact, was a lot like this collective. Poets in clubs was a novel concept at the time and we would perform in places similar to the Knitting Factory, with bands also on the bill. There was even a Subway tour - which I'd totally forgotten about until once again on a Subway. You can read some of my Chicago and other early poetry here or, better and more recent poetry turned Lorca-esque play here.

The next day, it was time to journey to the outskirts of NY to visit Katelan's Santeria family. Her Godfather, author Ochani Lele, was in town and I was going to interview them both for Fine Art Magazine's new video live-stream, Ghost Studios.

Unfortunately, no matter how we tried, we couldn't get the connection right and had to postpone the interview, (there I am on the left working on doing just that). But I had a wonderful time nonetheless. I met as many talented and creative people there as I had the night before at the Knitting Factory. The religious art installation you see some of in the photo left was created by one of the practitioners in a matter of hours - dizzying when you consider the detail. I'll see if better photos can be found -- it was made up of at least a dozen individual mixed-media pieces, each with religious significance. They truly rivaled anything I've seen in Afro-Cuban museum collections.

After some amount of interview frustration, (Ochani has a new book out, the first ever to record the mythos of Santeria and we had really hoped to discuss it. You can read more about it in my spirituality blog.) I finally gave in to a game of dominoes with 2 of the younger boys, (which I was later told was quite a distinction, that women don't usually play and that the game is taken very, very seriously in Puerto Rico, where most of the attendees were from). After winning without drawing once twice in a row, to the astonishment of my opponents and my own, I quit while I was ahead. We spent the night with Katelan's Godmother and her wonderful family, where I was shown more beautiful, truly sculptural/installation-like arrangements that are a routine part of this unique and extremely ancient tradition. She, like the young man who created the throne in the photo, is a truly gifted visual artist with a unique and vast outlet for it's expression.

Next up... Warhol and Robert Mars in Soho, more from Brooklyn and more time than I wanted to spend in Chinatown...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Southern Gothic Perception Goes North, Lonesome Liz in the Big Apple

Trump World Tower, NYC

The World Bar in Manhattan last night was, at least for a time, filled with traditional Appalachian tunes Lonesome Liz style, (for more about what that entails check the new videos in the blog at Lonesome Liz Music). To my slight surprise, the gloom, doom and Jesus talkin' tunes were the biggest hits -- I suppose a sign of our somewhat dark and fatalistic times.

I was one of several performers who had convened for a marvelous party that  Fine Art Magazine put together. After writing for them from time to time over the past several years, it was wonderful to finally meet the editors and their lovely friends and family, (some of whom had just, ironically, returned from a trip to VA and mentioned that Dot's of all places, close to where I live in Richmond, had been one of their favorite stops). I wish there had been more time to talk to everyone!

A partial set list for the curious:

Wayfairing Stranger, (Traditional/Lonesome Liz)
Minnie the Moocher, (Cab Calloway)
We Agree, (Lonesome Liz)
You Drove Me to Drinkin, (Now Who's Gonna Drive Me Home), (Lonesome Liz)
Fulsom Prison, (Johnny Cash)
Wandering William, (Lonesome Liz)

God's Gonna Cut You Down, (Traditional/Johnny Cash)
Ain't No Grave (Traditional/Johnny Cash)

For the lyrics to my arrangements of some of the traditional songs and my original songs, check out The Lonesome Liz Lyrics Page I can't believe I left Waylon out! Blame it on exhaustion from riding on a bus up here just like that Lonesome song of his, lol. Though not present in song he definitely was in spirit.

The World Bar

Though the trip up was pretty exhausting, getting to the Tower was definitely half the fun. Katelan Foisy, who has been kind enough to act as tour guide, wardrobe consultant and head genius in charge of general Lonesome Liz in New York consultation and harboring, and I battled a sudden, rather severe downpour over Times Square, (so much for the 1/2 hour of hair curling, UNDONE! Egads!), regrettably in velvet.

We both happened to have amazing velvet in contrasting crimson hues and the idea of wearing them, thereby defying Summer fashion rules had, been very appealing.  Katelan's fabulous palm reader jacket embroidered with a Hand of Fatima and Eyes of Horus sealed the velvet deal - there simply was no other Lonesome Liz outfit that could ever have matched it. And then it rained. And I know the girls reading this know all about what rain does to velvet.

Somehow we, our clothes and our hair all survived only minimally scathed and finally arrived at World Bar where I was delighted to finally meet Travis Louie and his lovely wife and daughter, (also named Elizabeth and sporting an extremely stylish fedora). They came all the way from Woodstock for the party. Travis brought a copy of his fantastic new book Curiosities and we had a fascinating conversation about his family history, which goes back to the California Gold Rush and the beginnings of the Railroad, (so you know I was quickly lost in endless commentary, lol). 

A wonderful time was definitely had by all. It was great to share some of the songs Mr. Seeger and I discussed and that  I've spent the past few years writing and collecting. It was also wonderful to have them so well received and also, it seems, understood and appreciated as the pieces of living history some of them are. I began writing about music and began writing a great deal of my original music in an effort to continue in some small way the work he devoted his life to - giving a voice to those who would otherwise not be heard or perhaps remembered and communicating the powerful words and experiences of the musicians of a long lost South.  I'm so glad to have had the opportunity to do that from World Tower - it seems oddly appropriate on so many levels.

Today it's back to writing about Country Music for - everyone keep your fingers crossed - I think the site's really going to be amazing but I do believe it's the most involved thing I've ever worked on. Hopefully all will go well and you'll soon find Outlaw, Americana, Alt Country, very cool album cover image galleries and more there - along with what I think is a good representation of Country's main genres and most important performers.

Poetry tonight... Santeria tomorrow .... and a few days coming up from Fine Art Magazine's office in the Hamptons. So stay tuned!


Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Death of Little Feat Co-Founder and Drummer Ritchie Hayward

Little Feat Co-founder and drummer Richie Hayward died this week. Only 64 but suffering from liver cancer, he had been waiting for a transplant. Hayward was monumentally talented and his drumming drove the New Orleans style Dixie Land jams of his popular and enduring group that inventively combined genres, from rock and country to jazz and blues.

The original Little Feat formed in 1969 but broke up in 1979, when singer Lowell George od'd. They reuinited in 1987, however, and are touring still. Emmylou Harris, Eric Clapton and other legends have performed with them since their revival.  Though Little Feat didn't have the commercial success some bands have enjoyed, they profoundly influenced many bands that followed. Haywayrd also performed with many artists outside of Little Feat, including Robert Plant and Buddy Guy.

In a letter to fans last August, Hayward wrote:  "I love and will miss you all, and I will see you again on the proud highway." Doing what he loved till the very end, he last performed with his band on July 11.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

What Ever Happened to Bobby Gentry?

And why is it that the only song of hers to be revived is 'Fancy'? Not the best. Ode to Billy Joe, on the other hand, (included in my College Norton Anthology, in fact), was  a piece of songwriting worthy of Van Zandt or Kristofferson. 'Mississippi Delta', also amazing, has fallen into utter obscurity.

Here are some more of her truly great lyrics:

Similar in theme, (sort of), to 'Fancy' is Chickasaw County Child
She wrote one about Billy the Kid too....

She "lost interest in performing" per Wikki - wonder why? I hope she's kept writing. She produced all of her own stuff - one of the first female Country singers to both produce and write her own material.    

Sunday, August 8, 2010

American Proverbs

Like our myths, proverbs have been handed down from person to person, over time. Proverbs are a big part of mythology and folklore. Greek and Roman Philosophers, and other thinkers who helped define the dieties of ancient civilizations used them. Every day Americans have helped define our own folk culture with their wit and wisdom. Some to grow on:


1. People are quick to promise, quick to forget

2. You can't do more than you can do

3. Those who have the most to say speak the least.

4. All men are fools, but few fools are men.

6. Speak of angels and you will hear their wings.

7. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

8. Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.

9. The wish is the mother of the deed.

10. You can't unscramble an egg.

11. A little too late is too much too late.

12. If you're all wrapped up in yourself you're a small package, and not much of a surprise.

13. A good lie is more often believed than a bad truth.

14. A person is as good as their conversation.

15. Adversity and prosperity equally make monsters of men.

16. Don't live it up so high you don't have a place to lie down.


1. It's best to have a little thunder in your mouth and a lot of lightning in your hand. - Apache

2. Each bird loves to hear himself sing. - Arapaho

3. Wonder often, knowledge will come. - Arapaho

4. Life and death are not different. They only appear that way. - Blackfoot

5. Life is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in winter, the little shadow that flits across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. - Blackfoot

6. Don't let yesterday waste today. - Cherokee

7. The best defense is knowing your enemies weakness. - Cherokee

8. Beware of the man who doesn't talk. - Cheyenne

9. There is no inequality among the dead. - Comanche

10. You already possess everything necessary to greatnes. - Crow

11. Wisdom comes when you stop looking for it and start living wisely. - Hopi

12. The soul would have no rainbow if the eye had no tears. - Native American

13. You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. - Navajo

14. It is easy to be brave from a distance. -Omaha

15. God gives us each a song. - Ute

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Weird Country Songs and Other Oddities

Click here to see the Newest DBT cover by Wes Freed

I've been building a test Country Music site for this week and have, through my research from that, come across some truly unique and often bizzarre Pop Culture gems. Unfortunately, I don't have room for everything I come across right now, including these hillarious songs:

All I Want From You (Is Away)
by Bobby Harden

Bubba's Inconvenience Store
by Bett Butler

Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
by Paul Charles Craft

Feelin' Single and Drinkin' Doubles
Written by Donald Fagan & Johnnie Masters
He Went To Sleep and The Hogs Ate Him (Now Claude's Gone Forever)
by Nathaniel Nathan, Gene Redd & Ray Starr.
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe

I Spent My Last Ten Dollars on Birth Control and Beer
by 2 Nice Girls

And last, but not least, so bad they're good album covers; not surprisingly, the best examples of all were vintage Christian Country.:

Wonder what I'll discover this week?

Oh, and last but not least, Andy Warhol's Roy Rodgers drawing:

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Interview With Don Miguel Ruiz

From Suite101's Astrology site:

Don Miguel Ruiz is an interesting man. The best-selling author of "The Four Agreements", along with a number of other books, is a Toltec nagual, or holy-man. His voice is quiet, unassuming yet the moment he begins he engages your attention somehow. He speaks simply, yet communicates volumes with a few words.

I was excited to discover Mr. Ruiz and his books. Most Toltec teachings were lost or distorted when the Spanish invaded. The result is we know little for certain. Now a corner of the veil of mystery that surrounds these traditions has been lifted. Mr. Ruiz not only elaborates on them but shows how they apply today.

He begins by explaining that the Toltec were not a race of people, as most consider them to be, but a group of artists and thinkers of many differnt tribes. 

"The word Toltec means artist." He said, "You are the artist of your own world. The limitations you create dissappear as soon as you become the artist you are, because, really, everything is possible. In your life, you are creating your own world.

"Then, everything is possible. The limitations you create dissppear because you realize you created them, you create your own story and it changes all the time. How it changes depends on who you're talking to, how you feel at the moment.

"What is dificult is not to understand. The difficulty is you must unlearn and understand that it is our dream of life that is difficult. It is important to begin accepting experience the way it is, then it becomes easy. When you realize that you don't have to be how everyone wants you to be you can enjoy life."

What about other Toltec traditions, I asked? For example, their astrology, which was central to their belief system, is it still significant today? Yes, he answered:

"Toltec astrology is not quite the same as the astrology people see today. We observed planetary events that took place and considered them to be very important to life on earth. It is extremely interesting. Every living being is unique. We determine individual horoscopes not only by the time that you are born, but the time at which you are concieved as well.

"At each of these times, the entire uiverse is arranged in a certain way. At that point, when your atoms are first arranged, you begin. It is the same as with the universe itself. You are the only one who is you." he continued, "You are unique not only in the present but for the entire history of humanity. This you, this combination of atoms that formed and then came into the world, arranged at these unique points in the universe will never be duplicated."

When looking at Toltec astrology, I saw that a great deal of importance was placed on 52 year cycles. In fact, much of their belief system seemed anchored on the number. Why, I asked, was 52 so important?

"Toltecs measure by the cycles of the Earth, Moon and Venus." He said, "We observed and measured these cycles and noted that the positions of these three repeat every 52 years. So, after 9 months of creation, when you are born your maturation begins and moves in cycles of 52 years.

"Communities also begin in cycles of 52 years." He continued, "When the cycle ends, they and you are destroyed and built anew. The ruins of the pyramids reflect this, they were re-built every 52 years. It is all a dream, that evolves and re-constructs."

What of Myth, I asked.

"Myth", he said, "also plays a part in Toltec teaching. At one time people believed it was the truth. But myths are just symbols, their meaning changed a lot, evolved. The human mind believed it as it evolved, which created conflicts and evil.

"People believe in so many lies that are simply not true. As we see from the many conflicts arounds us. Or when we look at the whole human drama, we see that it is because we believe lies. Hitler came to power, for example, because everyone believed his lies and then there was war."

So what, I asked, of truth then?

"The Toltecs have three levels of mastery of awareness of truth; three levels of seeing through these lies that create conflicts in our minds, lives and world.

"First, we must become aware that we are dreaming. We are dreaming all the time. When the brain is awake, we have awareness that what we percieve are projections that come from light. Reflection of light comes from everywhere to the eye; just like a movie. We see only light, light projecting objects.

"It's all very virtual reality. Like when we see a mirror, we know everything that exists inside the mirror isnot real but it looks just like outside. When we touch it, however, we touch only the surface ofthe mirror. Everything is in our eye, our brain. It is all a virtual copy.

"Yes, we are dreaming all the time. When we are sleeping, it is still a dream, but we dream from memory. In dreams we see everything we remember. When the brain is awake, we are living in present time, the matter we see is the frame of the dream. When you know you are dreaming, everything is possible and nothing has consequences. But when you are awake, there are consequences. It is all about awareness.

"Sooner or later we'll find out the majority of beliefs we have are nothing but lies. The point is to get to the place where you accept existance as it is. There is nothing you can do to change what already exists, rather, we must surrender to trying to be what we are. It is wonderful to be human, to find out the only thing we can do is experience and enjoy life as much as we can.

"You are here on a mission, that mission, and that is enough. If you try to transcend, you'll fail because it is not authentic to do so. You must be authentic. You are unique and there is no one like you. The only way to make it is to be you, not better, or worse. There is nobody better or worse than you.

"Everyone is living in their own dream, making their own story. Don't make assumptions about it. Use words to tell your own stories. Just do best what only you can do. By doing this you are truly living, experiencing, enjoying life."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Phil Lesh Describes Jam With Levon Helm as "The Proudest Moment of My Life"

From the Gathering of the Vibes

After playing with Further at the Gathering of the Vibes Friday, Phil Lesh went to Woodstock Saturday for a Midnight Ramble. He and his two sons, who sang back-up vocals, jammed with the legend and his posse in what he described as the proudest moment of his life.

  More About Phil Lesh and The Leon Helm Band on GratefulWeb

Monday, August 2, 2010

More Best of Eric Hahn's Five Things

Pick five everyday objects that would be terrible puppets in a children's show.

1. "Hey kids, it's time for empty beer can theater! Follow the adventures of "Bud" in the magical land of leftover pizza.",
2. Ricky Martin, Michael Jackson, George Michael, Clay Aiken, Elton John, (you meant hand puppets, right?).
3. Pistol with a hair trigger.
4. 7 day old sock puppets.
5. Other children.

Pick five flavors of Campbell's Soup with limited market appeal.

1. Mullet-Gatawny.
2. Road Kill and Stars.
3. Cream of Week Old Sushi.
4. Chunky Monkey.
5. Saurkraut and Mustard Stew.

 Their short lived Homestyle from the Hills line:

1. Possum Noodle.
2. Cream of Squirrel.
3. Gizzard Chowder.
4. Racoon Stew.
5. Cock's Comb Hash.

Pick five ways to piss off the pizza delivery guy.

1. Steal his car and leave it in Poughkeepsi.
2. Pay him in pennies.
3. Only pay him if he guesses the password.
4. Order from 3 different places and ask if you can taste all three before you decide who to pay.
5. Videotape the transaction.

1. Tell them to follow you to an undisclosed location, or it's no deal.
2 Ask him if they take PayPal.
3. If it's Pizza Hut tell him, no, you ordered Dominos.
4 Shout 'Ding Dong!' every time he knocks.
5. Insist the other guy always gives it to you for free.

Pick Five Things You Should Never Wear on a Subway.

1. Stilts.
2. Skis.
3. Your heart on your sleeve.
4. An "I'm with stupid" tshirt and you are travelling alone.
5. NOTHING is off limits on a subway. Have you been to Chicago?

Pick five ways to get kicked out of a casino.

1. Keep yelling HIT ME every 5 seconds even though you aren't playing Blackjack.
2. Keep talking into your watch with your finger on your ear.
3. Bring a pocket full of checkers and take them to the check out window.
4. Walk behind the players at the high roller poker table look at their cards and keep saying, "Ohhhhhh sucks for you."
5. Tape a string to the tokens you put into the slots.

1. Scream like you won a jackpot on any hand.
2. Sit down at the blackjack table with a bib, knife and fork and start putting butter on the chips.
3. Dress up like a dealer and start you own game in the lobby.
4. Ride through the casino on one of those tiny circus bicycles dressed as a clown and pull dow the pants of all the dealers.
5. Keep picking up the roulette ball each time the wheel spins and put it in your mouth and say "Mmmm, peppermint".

1. Stand at the blackjack table and each time the cards are dealt knock the person out of his chair with the best hand and take their seat.
2. "You're bet, sir?" "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
3. Monopoly money.
4. "Where _I_ come from, ALL REDS beats a full house!"
5. Tell the casino you're Donnie Osmand's cousin and insist that he said you get unlimited free chips.

1. Repeatedly put a dreidel in the roulette wheel and bet chocolate coins.
2. Tell everyone you see you're one of Ocean's Eleven,.
3. Dress like Sammy Davis, Jr. and try to get in free/backstage at every show you go to.
4. Go up to people who've been at slot machines forever and shout 'Boo!'
5. Bet Mentos.

The Best of Eric Hahn's "Five Things"

A friend of mine, Louisville comedian Eric Hahn, started this hillarious set of discussions on his Facebook page. I hope you're inspired, as I was, to add some of your own.

Five Ways to Freak Out Your Driving Instructor:

Top Answers

1. Shout, "I think you're my long lost dad!"
2. Have a seeing eye dog in the back seat.
3. Tell them you learn all your mad skills from GTA IV.
4. Tell him you think your being followed.
5. Ask him if he mind's driving "shotgun" while handing him a sawed off rifle,

1. Give birth.
3. Upon entering the car, place your 20oz. colt45 in the drink holder and light up a joint.
4. Immediately put the car in reverse ...and slam into the car behind you and say that you just "wanted to get that out of the way".
5. Dress like HST and starting waving away the bats.

1. Ask if you can stop by the prison to pick up your mom who was just released after doing time for killing a driving instructor.
2. Walk like an Egyptian.
3. Insist on consulting the I Ching at every intersection.
4. Ask him if he's ever dropped acid while driving after giving him a piece of unwrapped gum.
5. Place a portable police siren/light on the dash.

1. Take the test in a taxi and start the meter when the instructor says to begin.
2. Randomly scream, gasp as if somethings about to happen - again, randomly.
3. Pull up in one of those Shriner cars.
4. Put on a blindfold and tell them you are using the force.
5. Show up in a clown suit and look at the car in surprise, telling him you're used to something much smaller.

Pick five ways to tell someone it's over.

1. Singing messenger.
2. Federal Agent with a warrant.
3. Keep leaving their packed luggage by the door.
4. Call them up when you know they aren't home and leave a message inviting them to your wedding.
5. Change your relationship status on FB.

1. Answer their every question with "because you are ruining my life".
2. Write "It's Over" on a tarp and lay it out on your front yard.
3. Cave drawing.
4. Leave the receipt from the post office next to her cereal bowl where you have forwarded her mail,
5. Have all your friends call the house and say, "Oh, you're still there." when she answers.

1. Carrier pigeon.
2. Pictionary game.
3. On Springer.
4. Buy air time and have it announced on the morning show.
5. Start dating.

Pick five ways to get a one pound bag of flour over a 20 foot wall.

1. Divine intervention.
2. Trolls.
3. Harness a team of butterflies.
4. Magic beanstalk.
5. Bake loaves of bread with it, consume bread, climb wall.

1. Alter laws of the universe to eliminate gravity.
2. Call in Chuck Norris and the flour will come to him.
3. Flood the region so it can float over.
4. Seek counseling and maybe you can take down your wall just long enough to accept the flour into your life.
5. FedEx.

1. Build a ramp and call the Duke Boys.
2. Construct a shark tank and call The Fonz.
3. Line up 13 buses and call Evel Knievel.
4. Wonder Woman's lasso.
5. An army of giants.

Pick five things you shouldn't take in the shower with you.

1. Mogwai.
2. Towels.
3. Anything from BP 'cause it's bound to leak.
4. Hair dryer and curling iron.
5. Wicked Witch of the East.
1. Packets of Kool Aid.
2. Case of alka-setzer, (although that'd be fun),
3. Cotton candy.
4. Cell phone, cigarette, hot coffee, cold beer, pissed off cat. Sad thing is, I think I've done all 5 :(
5. Sea Monkeys.

1. The dishes you didn't do the night before.
2. Chuck Norris... He takes spot three with a roundhouse kick .
4. Roller skates minus the toe stops :)
5. The 20 lbs. of flour that you're supposed to be taking to the other side of the wall.

Eric Hahn's 5 Things Deux

Pick five different names for amusement park rides that would give you pause before riding them.

1. The Great Decapitator.
2. "Five Nine" - a new ride where you must be *EXACTLY*, (bold/double-underline/we-couldn't-be-     more-serious-about-this), 5'9" to participate.
3.  Uncle Ted's Dark Closet.
4. General Lee vs. Knight Rider.
5. Carousel of Conflagration, (aka "the Rotisserie").

1,  Drowning: The Experience.
2.  Deliverance Raft Rapids.
3.  Waiting in Line - The Ride.
4.  Space Mountaintop Removal Stripmining.
5.  St Catherine's Wheel.

Pick five things you'd leave on the moon if you were leaving tomorrow and returning Thursday

1. Another American flag with my picture next to the original.
2. A resume, (they say look everywhere for work).
3. "Walking on the Moon" by The Police on continuous play so in case anyone else shows up while I'm gone, theres' background music.
4. Moon boots, won't need 'em where I'm going.
5. Moonpies.

Pick five inefficient ways to propel a car.

1. Flinstone style.
2. The most ridiculous idea ever: put 30 gallons in the tank and 30 billion gallons in the Gulf
3. Bottle rockets.
4. Lever and fulcrum.
5. Also don't you think if you theoretically had enough hamsters in wheels...?

1. Eight tiny reindeer.
2. Buggy Whips.
3. Team of house cats.
4. The Force.
5. A big ol' horseshoe magnet on the grill.

1. Catapult.
2. Real horsepower.
3. Lasso other cars.
4. Ooh! Ooh! Can they be cartoon bluebirds?
5. Push car to top of hill and release back down said hill.

1. Cold fusion.
2. Another smaller car pushing it.
3. Using the gravitic pull of the moon.
4. Prayer.
5. Blowing on it.

1. Dangling a can of gasoline in front of it as bait.
2. Put my engine in it.
3. Kites.
4. Squirt gun.
5. Harnessing a stampeding herd of lemmings.

1. Shouting threats and glaring menacingly at the car, (unless you're Chuck Norris).
2. Mojo, hocus-pocus and/or abracadabra.
3. A sail.
4. Pushing it with a bus.
5. Saying, 'Go go gadget car!' over and over.

1. Hooking a chain onto an unsuspecting trucker.
2. Tethered mules.
3. Consecutive small explosive rounds.
4. By the power of Greyskull.
5. Telling Don Quixote it's a windmill
Pick five ways to get a squirrel out of a tree.

1. Taunting happy fun ball at the base of the tree.
2. Hold his wife and kids hostage.
3. Barter, (all the nuts you can eat if you come down).
4. Singing Barry Manilow songs.
5. Pepper spray, cause if it's good enough for the Canadian government it's good enough for me!

1. (Cherry): call George Washington.
2. (Redwood): call Paul Bunyan.
3. Throw a cat at it.
4. Throw a dog at it.
5. Throw a rock at it.

1. Throw small arms fire at it.
2. Speak gently in a calm soothing tone while throwing large arms fire at it.
3. Mr. Peanut.
4. Singing the "I'm a Nut" campfire song.
5. If all else fails, unite campfire and tree.

Pick five animals you wouldn't want on an airplane.

1. Sexual Harrassment Panda.
2. King Kong.
3. Wile E. Coyote, (and all the Acme crap he would try and carry on).
4. Alf.
5. Assorted Furries.

Pick five things you don't want in your lunchbox.

1. A black hole.
2. Continuoulsly smaller and smaller lunchboxes inside each other till there is nothing but the tiniest lunch box.
3. Kryptonite.
4. The vortex that consumes individual socks.
5. Nick Cages' career.

1. That videotape I made in college.
2. A knuckle sandwich.
3. A bomb.
4. A Dear John letter.
5. Sandwiches cut diagonally; bitch knows I like them cut in half.

Pick five things that need to be set on fire immediately.
1. The roof.
2. The KKK.
3. Witches.
4. The ghost of Richard Pryor's hair.
5. The world.

Pick five ways to piss off the pizza delivery guy.

1. Steal his car and leave it in Poughkeepsi.
2. Pay him in pennies.
3. Only pay him if he guesses the password.
4. Order from 3 different places and ask if you can taste all three before you decide who to pay.
5. Videotape the transaction.

1. Tell them to follow you to an undisclosed location, or it's no deal.
2 Ask him if they take PayPal.
3. If it's Pizza Hut tell him, no, you ordered Dominos.
4 Shout 'Ding Dong!' every time he knocks.
5. Insist the other guy always gives it to you for free.

Pick five things that tell the world you're a total douchebag.

1. Expose on 60 minutes or a Geraldo Rivera special report.
2. Bollywood musical.
3. Telling hapless visitors at the art museum that the paintings are all scratch n' sniff.
4. Eric, I'll tell the world you're a total douchebag. So you don't need the other 4.
5. Turning head when "Hey, douchebag!" is yelled at a crowd.

Pick five things you want in your possession when the zombie apocalypse occurs.

1. Directions to closest abandoned shopping mall.
2. I just need two things. A chainsaw and an ass-kicking soundtrack on my iPod.
Okay, I guess that's three things. And throw in a Snickers bar for snack breaks.
3. Braaaaaaaaaaains
4. The camouflage mud that Arnold Schwarzenegger used in Predato
5. A large supply of apocolyptic zombie repellant. Really, who could ask for anything more?