Even More of Eric Hahn's Five Things

Pick Five Kama Sutra positions that don't sound all that appealing.

 

1. Crouching pervert, hidden camera. 

2. The Pressed for Time.

3.  The dry heave-ho.

4. You mean theres more than one? F me.

5. The Imaginary Friend.

 

 

 

Pick Five cut-rate superheroes.

 

1. Above-Average Man.

2. Try Really Hard Man.

3. The Greek hero Mediocrates, (the Romans called him Ordinarius).

4. The Moral Supporter.

5. The Participant.

 

1. The Incredible Bulk.

2. I'll Get Around to it Guy.

3. The One-Hit Wonder.

4. Flash in the Pan.

5. The B Team

 

1. The No Justice League

2. Can't Read Directions Girl

3. The Cringer

4. WomBatman

5. Lowest Common Denomenator

 

Pick Five ways to express your displeasure with the waitstaff.

 

1. Shout drink names at them no matter what they ask you.

2. Stay in your seat until all other customers have left. Tap your fork loudly on you glass at infrequent and slightly irregular intervals. While doing this, stare at one of the waiters. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

(actually done by a regular Cohen ho...use customer we called "psycho killer.")

 

 3. "Fire" your waiter and replace him yourself, marching into the kitchen and serving your table as well as others in his section.

4. Spell out your order o-n-e w-o-r-d a-t a t-i-m-e.

5. Go all Jackson Pollack on the tablecloth with the condiments.

 

Pick Five things your garbage man isn't expecting to see in your can.

 

1. 30 gallons of water and a squid.

2. A hole in space-time.

3. Pop up snake in a can thing, only garbage can size.

4. My neighbors. The building is really quiet now.

5. A doorway to another universe; dark and full of unimaginable horrors.

 

Pick five things you don't want popping out of your birthday cake.

 

1. Those springy fake snake things.

2. Weasels that eat my flesh.

3. A subpoena.

4. Ethel Merman.

5. Richard Simmons.

 

Pick five expressions nobody uses anymore.

 

1. Don't worry, we'll train you.

2. Let's go to Blockbuster and get that Mel Gibson movie.

3. Obama will save us!

4. You can't do that on television.

5. What's good for U.S. Steel is good for America.